Beginning in infancy, Anne experienced severe abuse while being used by family members in Satanic rituals. When creative attempts to escape reality failed to ease her pain, Anne decided on suicide. But a kind stranger on a crisis hotline introduced her to a ministry that eventually led her to a relationship with God. Anne found the answers to surviving abuse in the healing power of God's love.
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Anne's Answer to Abuse
From infancy on, I was ravaged by abuse — physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual. Some members of my mother's family were practicing Satanists who used me in their rituals.
Survival Mode
When I was nine, my teacher was also into Satanism, and by the end of the school year with her I had lost all hope. I never dreamed about my future or marriage. I lived daily in survival mode.I learned early on how to deny my own experiences, rewrite them, or excuse them because "it must be my fault." I blanked-out months and even years of time. My only comfort and escape came from my cat, my teddy bear and my books. I read avidly to keep my mind off my own life.
Abuse kept me isolated and I had no friends. The neighbors had to know things were bad at my house, but back then non-interference was just the way it was.
I Decided on Suicide
By age 18 pain and fear overwhelmed me. I had been watching people around me to see if anyone had any answers, but no one did. So, finally I decided on suicide and planned my death.As a last-ditch effort I called a crisis helpline. A kind stranger got me in touch with a group called Teen Challenge and two weeks later I began to go to their meetings. I gave God permission to help me, which is not the same thing as completely turning my life over to him. He accepted me where I was and began to pour out his love to me.
From Darkness to Daylight
My life changed dramatically for the better, a daylight from darkness difference. I fell in love with Jesus Christ and became a joyful "Jesus Freak" (circa 1971).But I didn't understand that God needed to deal with my past. I thought "being a new creation" meant the past was just gone. I naively thought God had already done everything I needed.
I Needed Healing
I spent the next forty years running to God and running from God. The ritual abuse I had endured left me with horrible pain, fear and deception about God, as well as many dysfunctional behaviors. I needed physical, mental, emotional and spiritual healing.The stress wore me down and I was often ill or in pain. I used prescription medicines wrongly and became an addict as I tried to medicate my feelings instead of my body. All of this happened while I tried to be a Christian wife and mother.
I caused my spouse and daughters so much trouble and pain. I never considered walking away from Christianity because I knew no one else had the answers to life's questions.
Finding the Answer
In 2003 I finally came to the end of my own efforts and turned my whole life over to God's care. After this I began to recover from my addiction to pain pills.It's been exactly four years since this process began. I'm so grateful to God. He has done more to change me and help me in these few years than in the 41 years since I met him. I finally stopped resisting and let him truly be my God.
Finding Peace
I now have real, lasting peace. The horrible deceptions I had about God are banished and I am able to trust him and experience his care and love. Much of the hideous fear and emotional damage has been healed and God assures me there will be more healing.I now live an honorable, functional Christian life. I can help others now. God's Word is a comfort and help to me. Psalms 139 is a favorite of mine. In it God assures me that he made me, loves me and knows every day of my life before I live it. He helped me survive all the abuse by giving me creative mental escapes.
In the eyes of this world I was a total loser, a wreck. But, God chose me and overcame everything, even my own self-destructiveness, to give me his love and a new life. Words are too limited to express accurately God's greatness, compassion and creativity.
I am loved. I have a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11 NASB).
