Then I met another stoner at my church youth group, and we started talking some. I got bored with just the drug I was taking, and started also taking the drug I had searched for almost 6 months earlier. I ended up doing it 3 times.
I started smoking every now and then, cigarettes that I stole from my mom. Then, getting desperate, I stole a prescription drug from my aunt who had had surgery a few years back.
Thoughts of Suicide
I used the drug without feeling a bit of guilt. Yet every Sunday, when the pastor gave the alter call, I'd feel God pulling at my heart. I didn't heed the call, but instead, I ran. Soon enough, thoughts of suicide came alongside the depression.Then, in March 2007, came the weekend that would change my life forever.
It is called by my youth group, "Winterfest Weekend." We all pack up early Friday morning and head down to Winterfest in Knoxville, TN. So, my friend and I went, mainly to get away from our parents and get out of a day at school. Little did I know how my life would be changed that weekend.
The first night, I played "Christian." To quote from a Jentzen Franklin message called, "Keep Your Underwear On," I looked like a Christian on the outside, but on the inside, I didn't have my underwear on. I was faking it. I truly was worshiping God, but I had no intention of letting go of my sinful lifestyle. My friend and I were planning to go the next day and rob the Knoxville Mall of our preferred drug and get high in the service.
Thank Jesus, we had chaperones at the mall, so we didn't do it. (Although we did buy itching powder at Spensor's and put it on people in our youth group. But, that's beside the point.)
Crying Out to God
That night we went to the service. I listened, worshiped God and all, just like the night before. Tommy Bates was preaching on the Holy Spirit, and how Satan wants to destroy us. I didn't agree with him at the time on some points, like that drugs are sinful, but still God tugged at my heart, as usual.At the end of the message, when he called for anyone who had not been filled with the Holy Spirit to come, three others went: my friend, and two other guys from our youth group. Because I wasn't alone, I went down and called out to God. I honestly don't know where the words I cried came from, because I surely wasn't thinking them. I guess it was from my spirit.
To summarize, I cried, "God, I'm tired of giving you only part of me. Lord, take all of me and fill me with your Holy Spirit!"
So, I kept praying like this for about 10 minutes. Then a girl, who looked to be about 12 years old, with bloodshot eyes from crying, came up to me and said, "The Lord said to tell you, he's going to fill you with the Holy Spirit tonight." That touched me. There was no way she could have heard me. The music was so loud I couldn't even hear me. I knew her words were from the Lord. I knew he must have heard my plea for salvation, and that he would do as he said. So she prayed for me.
Finding Freedom
Within about 5 seconds, I couldn't stop shaking and was having trouble standing. In that instant, my drug addiction, my depression and suicidal thoughts, my porn addiction, all of it had vanished! I was free!I lay on the floor for about 20 minutes praising the King of Kings! This was even after Tommy dismissed the service. Eventually some of the adults came and helped me up. I was walking like I was drunk. It was the best "high" I'd ever had, and it wasn't drug induced! I found out when I got back to the hotel that my friend had come to Jesus and been filled as well, along with the other two guys.
Amazing Change
Since then my life has changed completely. God has done some amazing things. He still has a lot of work to do in me. I'm anything but perfect, but he has come into my life, taken away my sin, and now he is the center of my life.To anyone out there hurting like I was, I'll tell you, Jesus is the answer. Satan may blind you, as he did me. But realize that life isn't about what you know, but about faith that God knows what he is doing.
God has helped me through the hardest year in my life, without as much as a slight thought of suicide. I had surgery and lost my grandma, all in a months time. But the Lord got me through it, and not only that, with joy!
Thanks for reading this. I hope it has blessed you.
