Sarah hadn't had a sober day in 15 years. Now in the end stages of alcoholism, she was drinking a fifth and a half a day. The emotional anguish and physical pain were becoming unbearable. One night she begged God to let her die. When she woke the next morning, a new Sarah began to live. Her cravings for liquor and cigarettes were gone. God's mercy had now replaced her pain and misery.
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Sarah's Pain - From Misery to Mercy
In 1994 I was in the latter stages of alcoholism. I hadn't had a sober day in 15 years. I was what people call a "functional alcoholic." Most people didn't know I drank, and those who did, had no idea just how much I drank - the equivalent of a fifth and a half a day.I suffered from post-traumatic stress due to childhood abuse. Later an abusive marriage made all that had gone on before pale in comparison. I barely escaped with my life and suffered from a dislocated vertebrae in my neck, back problems, and a scar from a bullet wound in my face.
I had heard the gospel, but I was one of those people who had judged Christ by folks who called themselves Christians but didn't manifest Christ in their actions. Since I had been abandoned by my father at age 11, I assumed that God had abandoned me as well. I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder concerning the Lord.
I was taking care of my mother who had abused me all of my life. I was also caring for my older sister who suffered from Schizophrenia. Both of us had been abused by my mother. While caring for them, I actually felt stuck there. Oddly enough, I was sure God had placed me there, and as bad as I wanted to run away, I just couldn't abandon them and still look myself in the mirror.
I Began to Pray
I was in great pain due to my alcoholism, yet I couldn't let go of my crutch. It was the only way I could make it through a day without the mental and emotional anguish. However, the physical pain was becoming unbearable. I began to pray. Well, maybe not so much pray as beg. I began to beg God to let me die.I would lie in bed at night and try to will my heart to stop beating, my lungs to stop breathing. I was suffering from insomnia and I hadn't slept in weeks. I thought of suicide but was sure it wouldn't work, since I should have been dead a dozen times in the past but had survived unbelievable things.
And so I got really sincere with God and I angrily said, "Okay, so you're supposed to be a God of mercy, and you're supposed to be a God of love. Well, if that's true, you will let me die. If there's an ounce of compassion in you, take away this pain. You will let me die and relieve me of this agony."
I Slept Like a Baby
Then a funny thing happened. I fell asleep and slept like a baby for the first time since I could remember. However, when I woke up the next morning I felt hammered. I remember putting my face in my hands and saying, "Oh God, I cannot do this another day. I just can't bear it." Then I walked into the bathroom leaned into the sink to splash water on my face, and all of a sudden I felt like someone was in there with me. I turned around but no one was there. But the feeling just got stronger until I felt like I couldn't breath.Then I heard a thought, a whisper. It said, "Just take a look." And slowly I looked into the mirror. In that moment I knew what was staring back at me -- the wages of sin.
Whatever is Left of Me is Yours
I ran back to my bedroom and locked the door. I guess I thought I could lock it out. I remember taking three steps backward before I fell to my knees and asked God to forgive me. Still sure I was dying, I said, "Lord, I don't know why you would save someone like me. I have wasted the life you gave me. But I tell you right now that whatever is left of me is yours. I know that ain't much, but do with me whatever you will. I belong to you now."Then I proceeded to pour every drop of liquor in the house down the sink. I've never touched it since. Now the strange thing is, I have never even craved a drop since that day.
I used to smoke three packs a day. I no longer crave cigarettes either. So, here's the thing: I asked God to let me die and it seems that is just what He did. As surely as I am talking to you now, I died that morning. I laid down at the foot of the cross of Jesus while he reached down and lifted that burden from me. He placed it on himself. That morning one girl died and a new one was born.
