Like many of us, Eddie struggled with life-controlling addictions. Although he knew about Jesus, Eddie had not yet come to understand God's grace. Condemnation, guilt and rebellion made him run from God into a prison of fear and substance abuse. Eventually, after losing everything, through a 12-step recovery program Eddie found the steps to freedom and a new life in Christ.
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Eddie's Steps to Freedom
As I try to express all that my Lord has done for me throughout my life, I realize it does not do him justice. His unconditional and unfathomable love far exceeds these few words I use to describe my spiritual rebirth, my life struggles and continued growth towards spiritual maturity.As I wrote out my fourth step while in a 12-step recovery program, I came to see on paper the patterns of destructive behavior I had developed throughout my lifetime. These behaviors had their roots in feelings, emotions and defective beliefs. I did not like who I was, the environment I lived in and the deep-seated feelings I had about myself.
I did not fully realize these truths about myself until I had suffered enough, to the point of complete and absolute surrender (humility) of my whole life.
At an early age I heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the little bit of truth I understood was enough to plague my entire existence, no matter how far I ran, hid or justified my sinful rebellion.
Needing God's Grace
Even though I had heard of salvation through Jesus, I was also exposed to church doctrine that instilled fear, condemnation and guilt. I was torn because I knew in my heart that Jesus did in fact die for my sins, but I had no understanding of his grace. I found myself needing to be saved again and again every time I sinned. I literally went to every alter call at every church I attended.After many years struggling with my Christian faith, I could not bear it any longer. I abandoned myself to what temporarily seemed to bring comfort. I would later become addicted to alcohol, drugs and sex.
But God was still at work, as promised in Philippians 1:6, " ... being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ ..." (NKJV)
Losing Everything
I ended up suffering the loss of many precious and wonderful gifts God had given me, and eventually in prison, I was stripped of my freedom. I had to be afflicted so that God would receive my undivided attention. If God can’t get a hold of us through his Spirit, he will do it through the flesh.Throughout the past 15 years I have struggled to know Christ like others had known him. This wouldn't come until I truly got into his Word and sought him wholeheartedly, like Jeremiah: "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13 NIV)
I began to discover for myself who Christ is through reading Paul’s letters, discovering David’s relationship with God and God’s covenant with Abraham. I began to understand God’s grace towards me. This was the beginning of the end of my self-destructive behaviors.
Finding Hope
When I was at the end of my rope, there I found hope. I knew that nothing outside of Christ was going to bring me genuine comfort, peace, acceptance, love and forgiveness - things I had sought all my life. As I look back I see where I allowed the enemy to influence my life with fear, shame and condemnation, especially regarding my many failures at serving God.When I completed my fourth step and felt the true weight of my sin and separation from God, I was forced to carry it for a time. It hurt me in my inner most self. I cried for a time and as I looked back. They were true tears of repentance.
When I took this in depth look at my behavior and the pain I had caused those I loved, I knew that I could no longer live this way. So, as I worked through the sixth and seventh steps, I began to see the underlying reasons for my behaviors. They were the results of something deeper. It took the hand of God to reveal these things to me and give me the courage and strength to overcome the thoughts and perceptions which had influenced and controlled my life.
A Daily Journey
It is a never ending journey which begins each and every day with seeking God’s will for my life. It takes courage, patience, love and perseverance to press on towards the goal set before me.I work the twelve steps, which I believe are spiritual in nature in my daily life. I have finally come to be fully alive in Christ. I see how much time I wasted, but I am now convinced God had a plan for me even before my parents were born. I went through what I did to be a witness of God’s grace, love and mercy towards mankind and those he puts in my path.
I didn't know God was all I needed until he was all I had. I had to lose everything so that I would not have any obstacles between him and me. I had to give up my life in order to gain a new life in him.
Stepping into Freedom
I could go on talking about the steps, but what I need to say is this: In order for the steps to truly work and give me genuine peace, I had to be totally honest with myself and with God, because only he was able to comfort me through the painful process. Only God could help me make sense of it all.Today I have freedom I never believed I could have. I am convinced that everything I have experienced has become an asset in reaching others who are struggling in similar areas. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is not chained like our brother Paul stated, it is for all men, women and children.
“I became all things to all people so that I might gain some for Christ.” (1 Corinthians 9:19-23, Paraphrase)
It is all about him ...
