Ayana grew up never feeling her mother's favor, unless she did something to please her. This confusion about love spilled over into Ayana's relationship with God and developed into a compulsion to please and serve the Lord in an effort to win God's love. Eventually her quest for love was satisfied when illness brought her to a weakened place where the only thing she could do was receive the love of God.
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Ayana's Quest for Love
For years after receiving Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I taught Bible studies and preached the gospel of salvation by faith in Christ alone. I often quoted Ephesians 2:8-9: "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God--not the result of works, so that no one may boast." (NRSV)My upbringing, however, was often characterized by trying to please my mother, who seemed to favor my brother. My father was loving towards me, but somewhat distant toward my brother. In some ways, our family was similar to the biblical family of Jacob and Esau, where each parent had their "favorite." (See Genesis, chapter 25.)
This situation created in me a deep insecurity and confusion about love. Whereas I didn't have to "work" for my father's love (he loved me whether or not I was achieving something positive), my mother seemed to like me only when I did something to please her, like helping her spell words or clean the house. Notice, I said I felt liked by my mother when I pleased her; I didn't feel loved by her.
Earning Love
I loved the Lord and knew in my mind he loved me and sent his son, Jesus Christ, to shed his blood for me that I would be forgiven of my sins and receive eternal life. Yet, whenever my life didn't quite work out as I had wanted, I sometimes doubted God's love for me. As a result, I tried to serve more, do more, work more, to try and be more pleasing to God, so that I would win his love and approval.In spite of this "defect," God's grace allowed me to serve, teach, preach, and counsel others with some success. (God's gifts are without repentance, Romans 11:29). However, I never felt completely free to be me.
When I wasn't giving to others, I often felt lonely and driven to do more. In addition, I gave up opportunities to minister to others so I could be a care giver to my mother. I was still unconsciously trying to win her love and approval. What was the result? I was a Christian leader with a broken heart and a bitter spirit.
Then Something Changed
Not long ago I became seriously ill and was hospitalized for over two months. During my hospital stay, I had to depend on nurses, doctors, nursing assistants, and others to care for me. Laying in my hospital bed, weakened physically, I immersed myself in God's Word by reading the Bible and watching Christian television, and nothing else. I also listened to classical music to calm my nerves because several medical mistakes were made and I became sicker and sicker.I began to reflect on my life and the Holy Spirit gently revealed to me where I had forsaken my freedom in Christ, for the bondage of slavery to "works" and trying to please others.
In the book of Galatians it states: "You who want to be justified by the law have cut yourselves off from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit, by faith, we eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness." (Galatians 5:4-5, NRSV)
Receiving Love
I asked for God's forgiveness and I also forgave others. God granted me an outpouring of his love through calls, visits and cards from church members, friends, family, and even strangers. There were certain hospital care givers that showed me compassion and made up for those who lacked genuine concern.On Easter, my son blessed me with a wonderful chicken and yam dinner. Although I couldn't eat much of it, I enjoyed what I could. Then two members of my church surprised me with a loving Easter basket full of fruit and candies. I felt God's love profoundly as I did nothing. And I felt the outpouring of his love and grace through others for whom I had done nothing!
As I celebrated the memory of the resurrection of Jesus Christ in my hospital room, my life was resurrected in Christ from within. I know in my heart, and not just in my mind, that we do nothing to earn God's love and his salvation. It is truly a gift from heaven.
I no longer try to earn my mother's love, either. We are getting closer day by day.
Today, I am not just a servant of God, but a friend of God. I am also a child of God who is learning to be humble enough to ask God for help and to ask others for their help as well.
I still have some health issues to overcome, but I feel confident that the Holy Spirit is with me on this healing journey. Jesus promised never to leave me nor forsake me. I stand firm on his promises because God loves me. It is his nature to love you and me.
