The Grace of God
The sign didn't come. I waited for what seemed like for an eternity, but in reality was just a few minutes. "I knew it," I thought. "God truly is a fraud." Just as I pressed that sharp edge to my wrist, I heard a voice on the other side of the bathroom door. It was my mom; she was asking me if I was okay. It took everything within me to gather myself up and tell her I was okay. As soon as I felt she was no longer on the other side of the door I began to sob heavily.To this day I am bewildered over why she came to the door that night. I had only been in bathroom maybe 15 minutes. It was not unusual for me to be in there until the water was freezing cold. What sent her to the door that day was nothing more than the grace of God. I am very thankful now, but right after that, I was very annoyed with God. I wanted to know why he was playing games with my life. Why didn't he just let me end it? All I wanted was the pain to go away.
A few months later I was at church camp. Because I was going into the seventh grade, I got to go to the youth services. Every night at the end of the service they had what we call an invitation time. Kids were walking the aisle to the front, and I could tell great and amazing things were happening to them. Their faces held expressions of hope and pure joy. I understood they were "being saved" but I didn't grasp what that truly meant. I felt jealous and angry, for I wanted to experience that joy.
The Presence of God
Each night I would feel an ache and an intense warmth deep within me. What was this feeling?Near the end of the church camp, during a nightly devotion in our cabin, an amazing and indescribable feeling came upon me very heavily. A strong voice full of love and peace echoed in my head, "I died for you, child. I have loved you with an everlasting love. Now come to me. Do not be afraid."
Sadness and regret filled me until I was spilling over with emotions. I began to weep. My cabin counselor knew exactly what was happening to me and she shared some Scriptures and a prayer, which I repeated after her. At that very moment I felt God's presence, his gentleness and his love. I cried all night; I just could not stop crying.
All those years of pain, anger, hatred, and shame were leaving me. God had to break me down so he could move in. Then I could start a new life with him. To this day I still sense that still small voice speak to my heart, telling me, "I know my plans for you Ally. This isn't the end, but the beginning. Your best days are still yet to come."
Hope lightened my heart. I recognized in that sacred moment that I had been blessed with some sort of miracle—a private encounter deep within my heart with the Lord, God Almighty. Whatever God had done within my soul, my entire outlook was different, changed in a divine instant. Though the abuse didn't stop instantly, it did within months.
My motive for sharing such a deep personal part of my life with you is not for you to feel sorry for me. Rather, I want you to know this: If you do not have a personal relationship with God because of circumstances in your life, doubts about God's love or even his existence, you've got it all wrong—just as I did. God loved me so much, he helped me through the years of abuse. He was there each and every time I called his name, even when I screamed his name.
He was the one who sent my best friend to me when I was so humiliated about what had just happened. He was that beautiful butterfly that landed on my knee and brought a grin to my face the day I sat on the hillside crying. God was listening, talking, and walking right along side of me. He never stopped. He never left me. In fact, he was just as real as the nightmare that became a part of my life.
Understanding Why
I believe God spent a lot of time with me throughout those years of abuse because, in fact, he did love me so. I know some of you are probably saying, "But why would he permit you to go through all that abuse?" Sometimes God allows us to go through terrible trials like these to expose himself to us. Through them he reveals to us how much we need him, so that we will call upon him.Another purpose is so we can be a testimony and a comfort to others in the future. Who better to testify to others than someone who has gone through similar circumstances? Those of us who have suffered can relate to others who are suffering. We can understand what they are feeling and going through. We can bring comfort and share how God changed our lives and our circumstances.
There is no sin that God won't forgive. God will always help us get through our trials. Sometimes it's not as quickly as we would like, or the way we would like it to happen, but God knows what he is doing. Everything he does is to prepare us for our destiny, God's plan. We just need to trust in him.
If you do not know the Lord personally, let me encourage you; next time you feel him calling you, don't be afraid. Take that walk of faith. You will never experience anything as amazing as when you give your life to Christ. Once you comprehend his love and grace, it's easier to love others. It's also easier to let them love you, and most of all, to love yourself.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens; ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. (NIV)
Now it's my time to dance!
