For the next twelve years I continued to spiral down from one bad experience to another -- abortion after abortion, living on the streets, chasing after my next fix, sleeping with men who sold drugs to get high.
Hopeless to Change
My Mom, who by this time was ready to retire, had long since moved out of her boyfriend's house. She was in the market to buy a home and decided to try and help me get off the streets. She hoped to help me get my life together. She felt guilty and somewhat responsible for my demise. Mom made a tremendous effort and I did appreciate it as much as I could, but I was completely hopeless to change. In fact, her providing a house and safe place for me to come eat, shower, crash, and use the phone, was only enabling me to continue to go deeper into my destructive lifestyle.My Mom soon came to realize this, and was ready to move on. But then I came home pregnant with twins. My mom is a twin, and she couldn't leave. This time I decided for once not to terminate the pregnancy. I tried to change and not do drugs while I was pregnant. My friends even tried to cut me off as well.
I could not do it. I shot dope until my sixth month when I went into premature delivery. I tested positive for methamphetamine and marijuana. I lost my little girl, Alexandria-Jewel, after eighteen days. Miraculously, my little boy, Jacob, survived after heart surgery and three months in the neo-natal ICU.
Because I was unfit to bring him home, my boy was placed in Child Protective Services and taken to a foster home. During this time I tried to stay sober and jump through all the hoops to get him back. I turned in someone else's urine, hired a lawyer and managed to get my son back three months later, all the while doing drugs and dealing drugs.
By this time my son was six months old. My mom and Jacob bonded immediately. He was a precious, precious little boy. I let them bond and continued in my lifestyle, associating with 'meth cooks,' buying ingredients to manufacture meth, and eventually going to jail.
Reaching My End
In jail I found the mercy, forgiveness, love and comfort of Jesus. I cried out to Him in that jail cell. I had reached my end, or so I thought. I had a genuine conversion and became a Christian in jail. However, when I got out I went back to my old lifestyle, putting Jesus off for a while.I went to jail again, then again, and finally again. My son was six years old and my mother decided she had to get him away from me. She filed for custody, got it, and moved him away to the Napa Valley. I was homeless, a non-custodial parent, driving eighty miles each way every weekend to see my son. I lived with my drug dealer boyfriend for one and a half years after losing my son.
I prayed for God to fix me, because I couldn't fix myself. One Sunday night I got into an automobile accident driving back to Sacramento after a visit in Napa Valley. I had fallen asleep at the wheel and hit a woman who was stopped at a red light. I was very lucky. I didn't go to jail, and she wasn't hurt bad enough to go to the hospital. But I had totalled my car and was grounded.
Surrendering My Life
Funny thing is, this was the event that made me hand it all over. I realized the accident could have been much worse. I had drugs on me, and I could have killed the woman and gone to prison for a very long time. Yet God spared me that fate! Finally He made me able to surrender my life over to Him.God arranged for a friend (who was actually clean) to take me out of Sacramento and get me cleaned up. Then he made the call to my Mom, telling her I was finally clean. He asked her if I could come home. Amazingly she said, "Yes."
He Brought Me Home
God orchestrated the whole thing. He delivered me from drugs. I can't even explain it -- I just sort of walked through the whole thing in a daze, just following, at last not trying to run. He walked me through it and brought me home, restoring me to parenthood.Two months later I applied for a job at the local elementary school and I got it. I am still employed there today, three years later. I am also going to school, working on a bachelor's degree in human services. Last month I celebrated being clean for three years. Next week my Mother and I will go back to court in Sacramento to terminate her custody of my son Jacob, after 5 years.
