At sixteen weeks I was admitted to the hospital for the first of many times for dehydration and premature labor. However, at twenty nine weeks the baby could wait no longer and my water broke. After five days of bed rest I ended up having an emergency Cesarean. I barely got to see the baby before they whisked him off to the Neonatal ICU, with his Daddy right beside him. Clay weighed 4 pounds 5 ounces and they called him an insulin baby. He took all my insulin, and when he was born, he could not maintain his own weight. They had to put him on a ventilator and told us the next twenty four hours would be critical.
A Testimony in Itself
We did the only thing we knew to do - pray. Clay's life is a testimony in itself, and it is his to tell when he is old enough to understand. But twenty nine days in the Neonatal ICU, five more hospitalizations, seven surgeries, fifteen different medications, three therapists, twenty separate illnesses, two blood transfusions, thirteen doctors, and he is now 3 years old and tough as nails.
You would think by this time I had learned to listen and obey God. You would be wrong. I still had the mental illness that plagued me, and it was not getting better, but becoming harder to hide. After Clay was born I had my tubes tied and Tim had a little procedure of his own. We were okay once again, with not having any more children. But in my mind I knew that both of our surgeries could be reversed. We weren't going to, but I knew the option, the choice, was still there.
When I went for my check up the choice was no longer there. The exam showed I needed to have a complete hysterectomy. Two weeks before my surgery I had a nervous breakdown. I did not attempt suicide but the thoughts were there. I would once again be placed on a 1013 hold by the state. This meant the state would decide when I was well enough to go home, not me.
I was too old this time to con my way out and would have to do the program for better or worse. Tim, my husband, said in those visits he felt like he didn't even know me. I was so far away. I remember very little. At times it is a blessing.
I regained some stability and was released into my husband's care. I did not snap out of it, but it was time for surgery, and without a moment to spare. My prayers had finally come true. I had cancer cells, but the childhood disease was so bad that I think it protected the cells from spreading. After the surgery I was depressed and felt empty, but I knew I would no longer have to worry about miscarrying again.
I also knew I would never be able to conceive another child. That is a harsh reality in your early thirties, but I had two beautiful boys, and I thanked God for them.
I still had that pesky mental thing though, and I was not only sick in the head but could not tell anyone because it was too humiliating.
Thank You, Lord
On Saturday, November 12, 2005, I finally heard, listened and obeyed God all at the same time.
- My name is Karenda Willson, I suffer from a mental illness. It does not define me, nor is it who I am. It is merely a disease that I have and I thank God that it is treatable. Although I will have to take numerous medications for the rest of my life, and there are no guarantees that I will not suffer another breakdown, seizure, or psychotic episode, I am alive and I am happy to be me. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for creating me just like I am. I am not "cured," as there is no cure, but with the help of my husband, who deserves a medal for everything I have put him through, God continue to show us the way.
God showed me that if I do not speak out, I will not be heard and someone, somewhere could be thinking the same things and feeling the same way I did. Who will help them if everyone keeps quiet? So I'm getting out of my comfort zone where God does His best work.
Part of my therapy on my last visit to the hospital for the mentally ill, was a karaoke session. I thought it sounded insane, but if so, I was in the right place. I was the last to sing, and although I have sung in choirs my entire life, I could only think of one song. Of course they had no music for it, but I sang it anyway.
The words are so simple, a child knows them. But we take them for granted and forget. I hope you find as much comfort in these words as I do, every day of my life.
- Thank you
I love you
And Jesus does too.
Please bow your heads
And close your eyes
And picture Jesus
And his love for you.
