When the police arrived, I was gazing straight up at the sky, transfixed on this one lone star in the cold dark sky. I prayed upon that star with all my heart. I prayed that this ordeal would be over quickly and as painlessly as possible. I also prayed that Connie and my sister Kathy would forgive me for what I was about to do. Then I asked God for forgiveness.
The Lord was My Shield
The police arrived as expected, with all the noise of bullhorns and shouting going on, blinding lights pointed in my direction. It was pretty surreal. My heart was pounding, but there was no turning back now.I had an unloaded BB gun tucked behind me beneath my belt, and I started walking toward the police officers. They started yelling at me to stop. The life-and-death tension was building to an insane crescendo. It was time to force them to shoot. It was time to reach for my BB pistol. My plan was about to be fully executed.
When I reached for the pistol six officers shot at me. They shot a combined total of twenty eight times, yet only one bullet hit me! It hit me with such force that it knocked me off my feet. Lying there on the ground waiting to die - blood everywhere - I knew my miserable life was going to be over shortly. Everything was a hazy blur after that.
I have nothing but praise and appreciation for the police department and the officers present that night. I always have. They were placed in a situation that gave them no other choice but to shoot me. They had no clue at the time that I was using them to take my life. Since then people have asked, "How could all the other twenty seven bullets have missed you?"
I have heard all the explanations: Poor shooting skills; luck; bad lighting; nerves; coincidence and other rationalities. However, no one can convince me otherwise -- I know the Lord was standing in front of me that night protecting me, shielding me and forgiving me, when I could not forgive myself.
Wake Up Call
What I did not realize until later is that I needed to be born again of God's Spirit. I needed to have a divine connection with the Creator of the universe. I needed a personal encounter with the living God. He did not inspire my plan to destroy myself, but in his infinite compassion and mercy, he chose to use it to manifest himself to me in a way that still leaves me dazed sometimes, when I think back.God heard my prayer when I gazed at that star, but he knew that I needed more than just forgiveness. He knew that if he allowed me to die, my anguish would last for all eternity. Death would not have been the end of my anguish, but literally its very beginning. Not only did God spare me from the hell of eternal anguish, he also had a purpose in store for me. I did not realize it then, but he had work for me to do to help build his Kingdom in the lives and hearts of other people. He would use me to help snatch others out of the kingdom of darkness and spiritual pain - and it would change my life and me forever. He truly is my shield!
A Time of Reflection
I was convicted, rightfully so, and spent the next eighteen months in jail for felony aggravated assault and reckless endangerment. In jail I had time to ponder my life -- my poor decisions, the people I hurt, my reason for living, my selfishness.It was there in my tiny cell that God began to do deep emotional surgery on me. The Spirit of the living God began to draw me to Jesus Christ in a way I had never known. It was there that a personal relationship with my heavenly Father started coming together. He redeemed me – causing me to be spiritually born again as John 3:3 speaks of – uniting me fully with him because of the death of Jesus Christ on the cross as payment for the penalty of all my sins. It was there that I was snatched out of the kingdom of darkness and was translated to the Kingdom of the living God.
It took four months for my bullet wound to heal. This was a very painful process of packing and draining from the outside in. Tylenol was the only pain reliever offered to me. You could shine a light through it and see it come out the exit wound.
I think back often to where the apostle Paul asked God to remove his thorn (2 Corinthians 12). "My grace is sufficient for you," was God's reply. God did not remove the thorn. I have come to realize that God still allows "thorns" in his followers to teach us mysteries of his grace, and to teach us to rely on him in ways we would not do otherwise. It took God's grace not only to spare my life, but to find the correct path to real life.
