God Didn't Design Marriage to Make You Happy
Friday June 5, 2009
Does that statement shock you? I've taken the idea right from the pages of one of my favorite books on Christian marriage. Gary Thomas asks the question in Sacred Marriage, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" When I first considered this nugget of a question, it began to completely reposition my perspective, not just on marriage, but on life.
Photo: Getty ImagesIn the Christian life, personal happiness is not the ultimate goal. Seeking only self-gratification and personal fulfillment will almost always bring the opposite result. Christ taught by his example that true spiritual fulfillment is attained when we die to ourselves in loving others. This is not a popular message in today's 'please-me' society, but it's still the message of the cross.
Photo: Getty ImagesHave you ever stopped to consider this possibility: perhaps the struggle you're facing in your marriage was divinely designed to transform you and make you more like the image of Christ? Could God want to use this hardship with your husband or wife to make you more holy? That probability will stop you dead in your tracks, especially if that route is currently leading you straight toward a divorce.
Rather than enjoying the blessings of a happy marriage, are you merely enduring a painful and difficult relationship? Before you give up, I'd like to offer some godly resources that may bring hope and faith into your seemingly impossible situation:
Thank you for sharing your ideas on this concept. I agree and I disagree with some points you raise.
I agree that marriage is not about oneself. I agree that willing sacrifice is a sign of deep love for God and one’s spouse. I agree that living through difficult times in a marriage are times that offer the the chance to grow closer to Christ and one’s spouse.
Here’s where I have a question about the definition of “happiness.” I think that God wants us to be happy – both now and when we are fully in God’s presence in the next life. As a Roman Catholic, one of the teachings I grew up with, is that God loves, wants us to serve Him and others in this life and to be happy with Him in the next.
The realization I have about marriage is that of “shoshben” living – becoming the best person for our spouse, knowing that each one of us is the “bride” of Christ. (See John 3:29-30) A husband or wife who loves his or her spouse allows that to unfold during life. And that also means celebration – joy! Joy that our spouses are being united with Christ – both now, when they die and when they enter eternity.
So, joy = happiness. It’s there if we ask for it and live it.
I have never thought of marriage like this.
Great article ! Tell it Sister.
I understand what you are saying, and it is a fact that many individuals in society today believe it’s the other person’s responsibility to make and keep them happy, or satisfied, and this is especially true in far too many marriages. Therefore, in that respect, God doesn’t have a person’s happiness on His list of priorities.
However, I do believe He wants His children to be happy. Holiness is first and foremost, yes, but Jesus spoke in great detail about a person’s happiness. The problem is that there are not many people who know what true happiness really is, nor what it takes to experience it.
In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, He preached, what we call the “Beatitudes”. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, Blessed are those who mourn, Blessed are the meek,” etc… The word “Blessed” in the original Greek, means “Happy” “Fortunate”, but it means to be happy or full of joy, regardless of the circumstances. In most cases a person is truly happy, only when he or she is serving or doing something for someone else. It’s when we give of ourselves, or give ourselves up, in order to please the other person. This is especially true in marriage. I think marriage is supposed to produce happiness in both husband and wife, but it won’t happen unless and until the Biblical standard of marriage is held up by both the man and woman. This is what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians 7 and in Ephesians 5. The husband is to always, no matter what the cost, put his wife first, and do what pleases her, and the same is true for the wife to her husband. Only then will anyone’s marriage be truly happy, but it is what God wants.
Now,If I could just get my wife to do her part!
(By the way, the last sentence is supposed to be funny.)
Thank you for your indulgence, and God bless you!
Jerry
Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for posting.
I have read many of your articles today and will share with my husband. Thanks for reminding us of the true purpose of marriage and that each of us must continue to do our part to fufill God’s purpose. One question though, is happiness & joy synonomous? I don’t think so. Can a spouse truly make you happy? Joy comes from the blessings of God. I would like to see an article about this. Thanks!
Fay –
Hey, that’s a great question. I believe true inner joy is from the Lord and lasts through any circumstance. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. I have experienced the joy and peace of the Lord, even in my saddest moments of grief.
I’ll add your article ideas to my “to do” list.
Thanks for reading and commenting!