I had to do something about my life, and I had to do it fast. I severed the relationship quickly after that, but unfortunately the damage had been done.
Over the next couple of months I tried to forget about what I had done and once again, I began to make serious changes in my life. In truth, the reality of what I had done had showed me how desperately I needed help, and for the first time in a very long time I began to look around to see how I might put back together the broken pieces of my life.
I wanted something real, something that could truly change me from the inside out, to save me from this ugly, despicable person that I had become. I had grown up in a Christian home, and was fortunate in that I had seen God move in powerful ways at a young age. I had always been vaguely inspired by it, but had decided that there were too many things in life I wanted to experience before I would ever worry about that. However, this time I was at the end of my rope.
Seeking God
Faced with this reality, I began to truly seek God out for the first time in my entire life. I knew there was something real out there. I knew that my God cared about me and loved me, but I needed to know that He would take me back after all I had done.And so I began to go to church again. I even started to open a book called The Purpose-Driven Life as well as the Bible each day.
One night I decided to attend the weekly Christian Fellowship Club meeting. I had not been there since early in my freshman year. I came in late this particular night, and there was a Christian midshipman who I had seen walking around recently. He was giving the message that night. He was preaching a hard-line message about not having one foot in the world and one foot in Christ's kingdom. He said that we should not be lukewarm, and that we needed to have either two feet in the world or two feet out.
I remember thinking that this message was a little harsh to be preaching in this environment. They were lucky that half of the kids in this room even bothered to show up. I had never met anyone at our school willing to live the kind of life that this student described.
Needing to Talk
But as the days passed by, I realized I wanted to talk to this young man. I needed to tell someone what I was going through — someone who might be able to steer me in the right direction. I was sure that this guy had something real, something different from all the rest.One night as I passed him in the hall he put his hand out and stopped me: “Hey, God spoke to you the other night didn’t he?”
I responded, “Umm … maybe? Why?”
He looked at me smiling, “Well, if you ever want to talk about it, my room is on the second deck closest to the mess hall.”
That night, propelled by an unseen force I would later learn much about, I wandered into his room. I began to tell this young man who I had just met, everything about me and what I was feeling. By the end of our conversation I had told him practically my entire life story.
In the end, he told me it was up to me and I could make a real, lasting commitment right then and there if I truly meant what I was saying. I made a commitment to the Lord that night. Once and for all time, I was going to leave behind the person I had become and never turn back. I didn’t realize how much my life would be changed forever that night.
A few weeks later I began having extremely frightening, demonic nightmares. I would wake up so scared that I would go and wake up one of my best friends, Glenn, and talk to him about the dream. I had never really had nightmares in my life, so I didn’t know how to deal with them.
Digging Up the Past
One weekend a couple of pastors were at our campus and I talked to one of them specifically about a bothersome dream that I had. He told me that it sounded like I had some serious issues in my past and some things that God wanted to dig up. I had a vague notion of what he might mean, but shuddered at the mere thought of what that entailed. I asked my friend Glenn what he thought. At this point he was the only person in the world who knew what I had done.Needing to Confess
He didn’t waste any time at all telling me what he thought. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Brendan, you need to tell Jamie what you did.” I told him that was the most stupid, idiotic idea I had ever heard. I told him I thought he was crazy. I had already hurt myself enough and there was no reason to hurt her. After all, I was a changed person now. At this point, I began to yell and became angry at the notion that I needed to tell her what I did.Glenn responded that he didn’t think that God wanted hidden things in my relationship with Jamie. Finally, he told me that he couldn’t say for sure what God wanted, but that I should get down on my knees and ask God what to do.
I knew he was exactly right. So that moment I got down on my knees and I asked God what I should do. For the first time I gave up my whole situation to him. I said, “God, even if it means losing Jamie, and I don’t get to be with the woman I love, I will follow you whatever you tell me to do. Even if it means I only have visitation rights with this child, I know that somehow it will be okay, as long as I am following you.”
And so I laid it down before God and for the first time I felt a willingness to tell her, no matter what the cost.
The Truth
About fifteen minutes later, Jamie called me on the phone and one of the first things she asked me was, “Brendan have you ever cheated on me?” She went on to tell me that she had had a dream the night before in which I cheated on her. I had to tell her the truth. I took this as a direct sign from God that I needed to tell her the truth.I told Jamie about all the times in the beginning of our relationship, and most painfully, the time not so long ago when she was three months pregnant with our child.
Go to Page 3 of "Finding Something Real."
