I was angry at the policemen and cursed them for harassing me when I had done the right thing by pulling over. They searched the car and saw the ice chest with beer and blood on the top. Luckily, they didn't see the gun under the seat. I smelled of urine and I guess they didn't want me in their police car. They warned me to stay there and then they left. As soon as they were gone, I drove to Galveston where I parked in front of the fishing pier.
Time to Think
I sat there trying to figure out how to load the gun, but I never could get it loaded. I started thinking about what my suicide death would do to my parents and my two boys. I sat there for two days and nights, tormented by my thoughts. I didn't eat or sleep. Finally in total despair, I called out, "Oh God!"The Knowing
I don't know if I said it to myself or out loud. I just said it as a figure of speech, really. But all of a sudden I knew that God was real and the Bible was all true. I felt a sense of tremendous love and warmth. It was as if there was a whitish warm light around me. I had never felt or seen this before, and it felt so good. I wanted to stay there forever. What was happening to me is so hard to explain. This is why I call the experience "The Knowing."One minute I was totally blind, and the next I knew everything. It was like the ET movie when they touched fingers to communicate. It was like an instant light bulb turned on in my head. Suddenly, I had all of this knowledge. God caused me to realize that it was my son's thirteenth birthday. I couldn't kill myself on his birthday!
A New Day
I didn't hear a voice or see God, but I knew—suddenly. I remember saying, "Oh, my God! It's all true!" I was smiling and so happy. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me. I couldn't wait until it was morning so I could call home.As soon as it was daylight, I called. My husband reluctantly told me to come back home. I felt so happy all the way driving home. But then I felt guilty for awhile. I wanted to go back to feeling that unconditional loving I had felt in the car. I would fantasize about dying and going to heaven. I wanted to go there and be with God.
But things began to change. I had such a thirst to know more about God that I read the Bible and every book about God that I could get my hands on. My husband and children laughed at me and called me crazy when I shared with them what had happened. But still they had to admit it—I was changed.
My marriage didn't survive. My husband wanted a divorce and God knew I loved that man too much. I would never fully know God unless he removed me from there.
My children were greatly damaged by the divorce. My husband left me to be with someone half his age. Of course, it didn't last.
Not Alone
But as hard as it was to lose everything, in exchange I gained eternal life with Christ, and I would suffer through it all again, and more. I've had great difficulties since then, but now I'm strong enough to handle anything. I know I'm not alone, and never will be again. The Holy Spirit will always be within me to comfort and guide me.Not Afraid
I'm not afraid of dying. I look forward to it. I sometimes envy the Christians who have gone on before me. I know how happy they are now. But I have two sons that haven't been saved yet. I pray daily for their safety until they are touched by the Holy Spirit. They have seen God answer my prayers and they are watching my life. I know through God's mercy they will one day be saved.I pray for God to let me see with his eyes and feel with his heart. I know now what he meant when he said that he mourned for Jerusalem. For I mourn for this world and the blindness of the people. I see that the end of times is very close and I fear for the multitudes like Jesus did.
Knowing about Christ intellectually will not save you. Only a personal relationship with Jesus will save you. With your free will you can either choose God or choose Satan. Whether or not you believe it, there is a heaven and a hell. I know it now. You will go to one or the other. Why take a chance with eternity?
