According to Patrick, hurting families sometimes feel left out and ignored "because of how uncomfortable people must feel being around us." He continued, "My best advice to churches is to learn how to deal with families going though cancer, even follow-up care for grieving families. Create a cancer support group made up of cancer survivors and even counselors. Show love and support and not just money, though they probably need that as well, since families tend to go from two to one income, sometimes losing their homes and cars. You'd be surprised just how much simply coordinating meal deliveries to the families can take off a lot of stress."
Coping Through the Grief
Some families are fortunate to beat the battle with cancer, but many are not. So, how do you deal with losing a child? How do you cope through the grief?After Tyler died, Patrick faced the most difficult time of his life.
"Being Tyler's dad," he said, "there was a different kind of grief for me than my wife went through. She grieved and was hurt deeply by the loss, but nothing can compare to the loss of your own child. Through my depression, I turned my back on God, as I thought he had done the same to me by allowing Tyler to pass. I was mad, angry. I stopped going to church. As much as my wife begged me to continue going with the family, I just couldn't."
Patrick recalled feeling betrayed by God at the time. "I felt I had been obedient and done everything I was supposed to do as a believer, even praising him through some very difficult times. But, I treated my family horribly." With regret he said, "This is another time I wish I could take back. I failed to realize that I wasn't the only one hurting. Savanah lost her best friend and big brother; Brendan lost his big brother and the chance to even know him, and my wife lost her step-son."
"I remember my pastor wanting to meet me for lunch, which I did, but was unaware that another church member would be there. This infuriated me," Patrick recounted. During the meeting, the pastor told Patrick that it was okay to be mad at God. "He also stated that if I didn't change, I would lose the rest of my family as well. This cut deep, but my honest reply was that I thought it would be the best thing for all of us. I realized later how incredibly stupid I had been, and that I didn't want to go through the pain of losing the rest of my family, and being completely alone."
"Almost two years after Tyler passed away, I began to feel God working on my heart. I actually felt guilty, to say the least, about how I had treated my family, and how I treated God," said Patrick.
A Gift and a Message
With time, Patrick began to reflect on some of the things he had learned from his son Tyler. He realized that God had entrusted him with a gift and a message. Until then, he had failed to act upon it. The message was about love, hope, and faithfulness to the Lord. It was about the importance of family, friends, and God."Nothing else really matters," he said. "At the end of the day what is left? A sorry job that doesn't pay well? A crummy car and a house? Even if it were a BMW and a mansion, who cares? Nothing is as important as our relationship with God, and then our family and our love for one another."
"After two years, I got on my knees and asked forgiveness. I re-dedicated myself to the Lord. I told him I was his for the using, at his will, and that I would do his will until my last breath."
As Patrick prayed and asked the Lord to lead him in God's will, he said, "It was then that I felt it was time to write the story."
The Healing Process
Writing Letters to God has played a major role in Patrick's healing process. "Being a guy," he said, "most times it's difficult for us to express ourselves. I found solace in writing. It was my therapy. It's also allowed me, for the past five years, to think about Tyler every day while either writing, developing products, and even through the directing aspect." Patrick says his participation as co-director of the film has been a blessing: "... to be able to be on set, and have a say in what was happening, and to keep it real, had a very therapeutic aspect ..."Making a Difference
Patrick's experiences with cancer and losing a child have changed his approach to life. "I am much more grateful for every day I have with my family," he said. "I feel completely blessed.""I have a soft spot for children and families in similar shoes," he continued. "All I can think about is connecting, helping, and hopefully making some waves for awareness to get more funding for cancer research which might lead to a cure."
Almost everyone alive today knows someone with cancer. Perhaps that person is you. Maybe it's your child, your parent, or a sibling. Patrick hopes you'll go see Letters to God, and that it will make a difference in your life. Then, he prays it will inspire you to make a difference—perhaps in your own family, or in the life of someone else.
