I stayed in my parents home for three years without really going outside their front door. I would stay in my room for days at a time. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I had ruined my family's sense of well-being because they had a daughter that was "crazy." They never said anything like that, but that is the way I felt. I was a burden, a worry they didn't need, so why not suck it up and just end it. End everyone's pain and confusion including my own.
My life went on like this for another two years, a total of five wasted years. I realize this now because God spoke to me. He actually spoke to me.
More than I Could Take
My sister and I had gotten into a big fight, which was something we never did. She and my dad were my strength. They were the ones I depended on for almost everything. My twin brother and I weren't on good terms either, but the fight with my sister was more than I could take, so I left. I just started driving one day. I didn't care where I went. I didn't care that my truck had bad tires and I could wreck and kill myself. That would be good as far as I was concerned, because it would save me from having to carry out the plan I had devised in my head.I didn't do it that night. I found a hotel, did some drugs and hoped and prayed I wouldn't wake up the next morning, but I did. So, I got back in my truck, went the other direction and started driving. I drove for hours. Then I found a hotel that I knew would have a room far from everyone else, to do what I wanted to do. End it all!
He Spoke to Me
But that night something happened -- something incredible and amazing! I wouldn't have believed it, if someone had told me this, but it happened to me. My Lord and Savior spoke to me. He came to me and told me, "This isn't the way." He told me that he loved me and that I was his. He cleansed me that night. I was baptized right there in my hotel bathroom. God told me to run a shallow bath, and wash away my past, my pain.It was like walking in a dream as I got up and walked to the bathroom. The whole time the Lord was talking to me. I could hear every word as if he was inside my head. I knew it was him. I knew it as sure as I knew that I would die that night at my own hands. But it wasn't my time, he said. He had work for me to do. And God told me all that I had to do for him, in his name.
I cried the whole time he talked to me...deep, wrenching sobs that shook my whole body. But I did as he instructed me to do. After I was done with the baptism, God told me to kneel before him and he would heal me, and cleanse my heart and my mind from the torment I had suffered. I knelt there before him and cried and prayed. I don't know how long I was on my knees, but when I finally stood, I could feel something was different, right away. I couldn't explain it, not even to myself, but I knew I was different.
At Peace
Then I finally realized what was so different! It was the way I felt. I was calm! I was at peace! I had never, ever felt that way, not as far back as I could remember. I had never felt that way, period! God had taken my pain away. He had taken the fear, the confusion, the doubt, the self-loathing, the hate -- all of it! I felt new. I honestly felt reborn. Everything felt new and different. I felt like there was a bright light inside of me and I couldn't quit smiling. I hadn't really done that in years!That night I became a new woman. A woman with a future! I never thought about growing older because I knew I wouldn't. I didn't think about getting married or having babies because I knew I wouldn't. "What man would want me," I always thought.
But God has given me one of the greatest gifts in the world! He has given me a future! A real future with hopes and dreams, with possibilities that are limitless! I am now twenty eight years old and I am getting my GED and going back to school. I am also going to work in the church. I don't yet know where or how, but God has already told me that this is what he wants me to do! And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he'll be with me every step of every day for the rest of my life!
I wake up every morning now and I look forward to the day. What could possibly be better than that? Praise be to God, my Savior, my Strength, my Comforter, my Friend!
Thanks for letting me share my story. I pray that it will help just one person learn that life with God will go on.
